After a long thought process of whether to take the shot or not, I signed the consent and went for it.

I figured my fellow frontliners are taking the steps to protect the community so that we can continue serving them and helping the families get through this pandemic whether it Is because of COVID 19 or some other health issues. If along the way, I become a statistic, I fairly say I did my part for the sake of humanity and for the people I love. This is for my mom and dad, and the future of my children and for my love.


Sometimes time moves so slow and I can see everything in front of me. Sometimes it moves so fast that I can only remember the past with the hope the future doesn’t come too soon. Then the presence is here and I just watch like it’s a show unfolding predicting of what’s going to happen – appear knowing what the end is going to be.

This morning I told my daughter to spite down growing up – so young, so beautiful, so smart and with lots of love and kindness.

Tomorrow is my son’s 20th birthday. Hard to believe he is twenty. Tomorrow he will spend his morning with Tori. He will come home by 5 to spend time with the family. Such a simple, yet, complicated year. I find it easier to throw a party with lots of guests, than ac small a group. But there’s memories to be made and I hope these small moments are the most memorable.

Last night, I was so tired that I couldn’t find myself to go downstairs and get all the kids with a kiss and a hug. Instead, Hubby got all of them together and all six of us were in our room and I got a hug and kiss from all of them.

I love hugs and kisses. Can’t go a day without one. Don’t have to say anything, a hug and a kiss will do… sometimes another is even better.

Especially when I get to hug and kiss my mom. I know it matures get feel good too. I wish I gave her more when I was growing up. I hope I can give her more now.

I live you all.


Sometimes it’s nice to be included.

A patient died today. Young at 16, but looks 8. Everyone cried. I did nothing closed curtains. The unit was a bit gloomy. Kind of hard to smile, but we got to get through it.

One nurse brought donuts. They stuffed their faces with donuts while they cried.

One nurse asked everyone if they wanted Starbucks.

Except me. Boo!

You know, not everyone is a nurse that’s affected by the loss of this patient. We’re sad too.

Managing the entire unit on my own… I sometimes feel alone so feeling like a part of the unit would nice.

I’m not just an RT – I have feelings too. Offer me donuts, ask if I want Starbucks. 😦 Ask if I’m okay. I was there when the code happened the few times before and it was a miracle. His smile, his music, and laughter. He will be missed – no donuts or Starbucks could replace a life, but it would help me get through the day too (just saying).


My mom was forty when I was pregnant with my first child, Ermel.

I would be four months at this time.

Right now, I’m wondering what my mom was thinking and feeling at the time.

Was she surprised? Was she happy? Was she worried?

I want to ask her, but I also don’t want to know.

My mom can be pretty mean and sometimes it’s better not to ask and get my feelings hurt.

A lot she says hurts me even though she says it’s a joke, I still take it personally, but laugh it off anyways… trying not to say anything mean back. And trust me, I have some pretty mean words to say. But even I don’t want to sink that low to hurt her.

I’m forty… my first kid passed the 19 year old milestone and didn’t get married. Let’s see if my other three will pass that milestone too.

Now, I pray that he passes the milestone of the 20 year old… to not get anyone pregnant.

What made me any different though? Well, for one, I was married and had the blessings of my mom. Even though the rest of the family thought I was crazy, I think I got some good support and thankfully Ermer’s side held on faith to believe that we could get through it. We had to prove a lot to those who bet against us. Glad my Father above watched over us and placed the other people.

I still wonder though, “How did you feel, mom?”

I think if I was in at my mom’s position, I would be worried. I would make sure my child, who’s also having a child, is eating well, is confident, understand the responsibility, the resource, the support, and the love she needs. I don’t think I paid enough attention to my mom to see if she provided those things. At some point, I felt that she wasn’t, so we moved out. We were asked to help pay for rent and unfortunately, we couldn’t afford rent. I don’t think she understood that part, so we moved out and lived with Ermer’s parents.

And now that I think of it, I didn’t realize how moving out had my mom thinking about getting a job to help pay for rent.

I don’t know if my brother was giving her money, but I know I wasn’t. I had no money to give. At least from my own efforts and I didn’t think it was right for me to give her money that hubby was working hard for our little family.

She must have been tapped and not asking for help. I wonder if she cried at night and was stressed about finances and about the kids. I wonder how my sister was doing. My brother and I left her behind in a house and didn’t really check up on her.

Now that I think of it, I was a bad sister – I was a bad daughter – I was pretending to be something that I wanted to be that I forgot the the things I should have held as value to me. Instead I was selfish to start my own life.

Why didn’t anyone tell me?

I feel like this would be the lecture I wold give the kids. I don’t know.

Was I ever on track? Am I on track?

Have I ever been doing the right thing? Or am I being selfish about my own needs and wants?

Why do I feel so bad? As if all the things I feel like I’ve accomplished are just lies? Why do I feel like my last is catching up to me?

I think I’m starting to feel emotional again.

So sorry… I think?

I don’t know.

I love my family. I love the life I have even having had to go through some tough ones.

Someone once told me that they admire me, that I am strong, that I can do anything, that I can be anything, that if I want something that I should reach for it. I have someone, perhaps many more, to say thank you to. Thank you to all for being my guide, supporting me even when I didn’t deserve it, thank you for listening and allowing me to vent when I needed to. You are all amazing! Especially you, mom!!

Mother’s Day

Tomorrow’s Mother’s Day and I don’t like it. Why? I don’t like to have a say just for me. I don’t like how one day out of the head, it’s just about me.

Perhaps I’m just selfish, but it’s not about me. I don’t get time alone to breathe – that’s all I really want. To be able to just lay in a tub full of bath salts, candles in the dark, play some music and either read a book (yeps, READ), draw or even write something.

I don’t need a meal at a restaurant, flowers, a gift, or even a hug.

I have food, flowers, gifts, and get hugs EVERYDAY!!!

I don’t like Mother’s Day. I appreciate all that I have and all that I love. I have my kids, my husband, and they are a blessing to me.

I think it just comes down to the fact that I don’t like all the attention.

Mother’s Day and my birthday I guess are days when I just want to be lazy. I shouldn’t have to dress up, do any chores, or cooking, or even talk. Sleeping in, umm… maybe snap my fingers and walah – coffee in my hand would be nice.

🙂 I don’t like Mother’s Day… hehehe, but I guess there’s some advantages to it.

Happy Mother’s Day to me. 🙂 WINKS!


Yesterday, Hubby brought the laundry down as requested and I started to do the load. I started with the dark colors first. Add I was separating the clothes, I noticed some very dark stains on one of the girl’s underwear. I blunt to call the eldest girl and asked her what happened but when I had picked it up, it was the little one’s,

I gasped! ‘Hmmm? Did she? Is she?’ So, I called for her. And she came. I asked her what happened? “I don’t know,” she said.

“Did you poo poo?” I asked.

“No, mommy. I know not to do that.”

“Was it red?” And she said, “No.”

“Honey,” I said. “I think you just got your period.”

She was a little confused. And was like, “Really?”

She hugged me and she cried. I told her not to cry. It’s a happy moment, “You’re a young lady now.” I smiled and thought about telling her about the birds and the bees. I didn’t. I’ll wait for the right moment.

In the meanwhile, we talked about throwing away the stained underwear and then went to get her pads. Luckily, I had the perfect size for her and didn’t have to go to the store.

We went to the restroom to show her how to apply it. It was that moment that we saw the “red” mark. Lol! (Should have taken a picture.) the lad was applied and then we talked about putting her pads away.

Her dad happened to walk pass by and ask what’s wrong? She saw the tears in her daughters eyes and wanted to comfort her. Instead, she ran upstairs. I giggled and looked at him and he was still confused.

Went upstairs and saw baby girl crying to her sister in my room on the bedside chair. Ateh was giggling. And we both were telling her that’s okay.

Ateh starts to give her some advice. Especially on how to tell Nanay and what NANAY did when Ateh got her first red tide (which I missed by the way.) Ateh treated her a little bit about how early baby girl got it… nine years old.

I would have missed this moment, too, if I had gone to work today, but good thing I got cancelled and was here for baby girl. Even got to show her how to wash her undies if there was a stain. She learned quickly.

The next day, baby girl came down and we hugged and she’s how she was doing. Even asked her if she was ready to tell her Nanay. She said, “Yes.” So she went up to her and hugged her and shyly said. “I got my period.”

“Congratulations!” Said Nanay. And then for the rest of the day was jumping up and down, getting her new underwear she saved from the Philippines, and reminders to change. Everyone was helping little girl out and for the rest of the day she seemed normal Exocet for this one small change.

Later in the day, she even showed me how she knew how to wash her undies. She was so responsible.

Ateh even made her a special cake to celebrate this milestone.

My baby girl… (sigh)


Day 1: COVID19

Woke up in the morning after a late night staying up reading articles after articles.

First thing I noticed when I stepped out of the house was how clear the sky was, How fresh the air was, and how peaceful the darkness was.

There was such a weird feeling. I really did not want to go to work. I kept updating my email to see if there was any new news from the University. My husband saw that I was thinking so much, and took a morning moment to kiss me. I almost cried. Just what if today’s the first day that the emergency room goes crazy, or that a family member tries to break in into the hospital to see their loved one, or that it comes to find out that the patients we’ve been waiting to test are positive? Which means that a multitude of us have just been exposed to COVID19.

My mind kept running during the entire drive. just a couple of days ago, the governors of California announced how gatherings of 250 and more should be avoided. Then yesterday, trump announces the countries emergency to prevent further spreading of the virus. It was later in the afternoon that I started to realize how much we needed to prepare. The schools were going to be close for almost an entire month. The southwestern community college, our teacher had announced that we would have online classes as of March 16 until the end of the month. Now, I’m not sure if that’s going to last even longer.

After work yesterday, my husband and I went to the store and picked up a few more supplies – there was hardly anything left. Not even canned goods. We ended up getting chili and some refried beans and SpaghettiOs. We did find some tissue boxes and some cough drops and some medicine that could be helpful during this time. It’s crazy how everything is getting sold at the store.Most stores restock every two weeks especially the grocery stores. I typically don’t shop until mid week, but now with the stores running out of items, I bought as much as I possibly could.

Today, there were no new news about things running out has lessened. There showing how roads are now starting to fall off the shelves. It was a bit funny, only because I barely eat bread nowadays. I did notice that a lot of the baby items have disappeared to. And that worries me and the Mom‘s and the Dad‘s little children. I’m glad that my niece and my own kids don’t wear diapers anymore. Then, I thought about the elderly. I hope that they are OK. All this ran through my mind throughout the day. And all of my coworkers especially in the unit talked about the situation.

When I came in, the two patients that were intubated to the ICU were tested positive for COVID 19. A couple of my colleagues were present during the assisted code blue. I am worried that a lot of us have been exposed to the virus. I’m counting the days to see if I am showing any symptoms. Today would be day one.

I was in the same unit I was in for the past few days. Today would be my third day in that unit. There were a couple of concerns of a patient that could have been a ruled out for the virus, the patient was intubated and the dropleft precautions were removed.

It was nerve-racking, because a lot of people didn’t know whether they should wear a mask or not. I continue to wear a mask. Not only was this patient not yet ruled out of coronavirus, simply because he didn’t have a mask. But also because I was a therapist who is up, clothes, and personal with the patient.

Didn’t really get to find out if the patient was positive or not. But by the end of the shift, we got report that the hospital was limiting I’m putting regulation on visitors. It was hard to hear that. Mid shift, one of my patients just kept crying while another family member in another patient’s room was asking multiple questions, limitations, as tears dropped from their eyes.

Holding my feelings throughout the whole entire shift was like trying not to cough. I didn’t want to tension. But when report team, I had to tell the next therapist how the patients and their families were doing. Not everyone was updated, or reads their email right before work, and so with this news, I shed a tear. Daisy said, “You have such a good heart, Michelle.”

I want my tears away, And went home. It was just the beginning.

I stayed within the unit. All my other coworkers, we’re in the other unit taking care of the two positive sick ventilated patients. There was no need for me to be in that unit, so to prevent any spread of the disease, I made sure I wash my hands all day, and one mask, and prevented touching other things that I shouldn’t be touching. It was mentally challenging. Even eating was hard to think about.

I love him

I love having these small moments with my son. He picked me up from work. I can still remember the first time he picked me up. He played some music that he listens too. Something Moodle sang a rendition and mixed of musics that were pretty good and then showed me a video of an essay who talked and made a video about the universe. It was nice listening to him tell me about what he likes about it.

I love you, son!