Mother’s Day

I still remember the many times I would say, “I hate Mother’s Day.” And I’m sure I listed all my reasons why I do.

I woke up and still had to fix the bed, made my own breakfast (actually, I didn’t eat breakfast), made my mom her gift the night before and greeted her, each child greeted me with a couple of things In only want: hugs and kisses.

What was different about this year? Well, I didn’t have to get dressed to go to church – I got to sleep in… and my sun night be flowers 🙂 and so did Tatay! They were beautiful! Even Tori made a guava cake and it was super yummy! I didn’t like being teased about being the mother in law though – just not funny. Too soon to be thinking about such a thing – but who am I too even say that it’s too early?

Even created a small little post for both moms on Facebook. Of course, it’s from Ermer and I. I don’t have Facebook, so there was no post about me or for me, not even a card. I take that back – my sister have me a card. She’s so sweet! … and so thoughtful! Age got me some lovely things and I got her bath and body. I just realized that I get them the same damn things every year, just as different scent. Ugh! I’m so boring! No imagination and I guess… cheap! I did try being thoughtful in the past, but my gifts were said to be cheap or the reaction was not what I had hoped for – so, I think that’s why I stuck with the bath and body.

I remember wanting to get some Pandora charms for them, but I was too afraid to get the one – I would have spent so much just to hear them say they don’t like it or wants to exchange it. That’s okay, I don’t even think about getting it anymore – not even for my own girls… although it worths be super cute for them to have a collection of charms.

Also, toast was the first day my sister and the family officially came into the house. Everyone was so happy and enjoyed being indoors for lunch. I want still a little anxious, but my sister brought some champagnes and wine and that helped relax a bit. We both ate crabs and my mom prepared other foods that were irresistible. I love my mom so much! Today is really about her you know. I don’t think a Mother’s Day will ever truly be about me until I become a grandmother. I hope that will be awhile – I hope so at least.

Mother’s Day weekend was better this year. Simple and sweet.

i love you kiddos! You are my everything!

Gummy Yummy

Omigosh! We made our first gummy bears with Jello and it was amazing!!!! Myella and I had the finest time making these. Going to make more soon… so easy!

Drooling already!
First taste
Perfect mold…
Back from extinction 🙂

Super super yummy!

Next are Gummy booze… winks! With wine and vodka etc. hehehe!

#2

I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since the announcement came out about COVID19 and everyone was placed on quarantine. What a year! Here’s to humanity and our future. We are a part of history and look forward for many more years to come… happy birthday to me – the gift to myself for my new year!

Me

Wake up, go to work, come home, shower, greet kiddos.

Other than the in between moments with my husband, I always try to give the kids a kiss before I go to bed and even try to spend some time with them. Sometimes I have energy to do so me today I thought I did.

After showering, o was actually out of the bathroom by 845, so I had enough tome to maybe spend an hour. They were watching something, so I tried to quietly just kiss them and then maybe prepare an orange and sit down to eat with them. That changed when I tried losing the first child. He dodged my kisses and I know he was probably just playing but I all of suddenly felt hurt. Why does h keep doing that when I try to kiss him? So I just patted his head and then loses the two other girls on their heads. Neither of them gave me a hug.

I held back the tears a bit and grabbed some water. I drank the water and sat down near the kitchen in the dark. I watched a little bit of what they were watching and thought, “They don’t even miss me. Why am I trying extra hard?”

I moped a little bit to myself. I listened to them laugh and they made me smile. Then hubby got up and found me in the ground sitting. Then the kids got up for some reason and also saw me sitting on the ground.

They laughed at me and my heart just got stabbed again. Still no hug or kiss from them.

But wait, there was more kiddo… the big one. So I hugged him too – started a small conversation but he seemed to busy, so I have him my kiss and said goodnight.

I started to walk upstairs – quietly so no one would notice… and no one did. I sat on the top of the stairs for a bit. I could see hubby refilling his bottle of water. Then he started to head up and he saw me on the stairs too.

I felt so tired and drained already. Like all the energy came out of me. He tried to joke around, even flirt, but I told him I was too tired.

He went into the shower… I went to the bed… and cried. Tears fell from my eyes as if someone did something wrong. No one did anything wrong. I figured may be Im just being emotional right now, so I took some estrogen pills. Maybe it will balance out my emotions right now.

I also told myself that I’m probably sad because my kids are so grown. Yet my other side is saying that they should greet me when I come home and hug me as soon as I appear. My other side even thought of them as ungrateful children while the other adores and love them unconditionally.

Hubby says I have multiple personalities. Perhaps I do. And if I do, it sucks because my emotions are at play.

Right now, I want to be with my kids. Hold and love them – but my other side is telling me that they’re just going to call me weird and push me away. I just don’t feel like getting rejected right now. A simple hug and kiss – that’s all this mommy loves the most. *sniff sniff* I don’t need presents or food or even a compliment – just a hug and kiss everyday is fine. A real if and kiss, not just a quick hug with no meaning because I have germs or something – a hug that reminds me I’m their mom and will always be their mom. A hug that reminds me they need me – a hug that reminds me that my life has meaning – a hug that tells me that everything I do is all worth it no matter how tired I can be. I don’t want to do anything extra if they don’t want the extra effort. I always have a plan, a goal, for the people I love. Is it all worth it?

Forgiveness

God has a way of reminding us how to forgive.
A few months ago, I had an encounter with a doctor. The day started off with a medication shut off and changes were made on my ventilator. After 30minutes of no orders and a follow up call upon my text sent out, I had to complete an iReport on the team who had apparently made the changes. The nurse proofread my iReport and the report was submitted.

No one from the team had responded to my inquiry from the morning.
At the end of the shift, I was in the middle of an extubation when a doctor came in and started asking me questions about another a patient. It is a HIPAA violation to talk about another patient in a another patient’s room. The doctor was also rude and interrupting the extubation. I was stuck in an uncomfortable position.

To make a long story short, my day ended in tears and another iREPORT for misconduct and harassment on the doctor.

Since then I had a bad taste in my mouth when the doctor’s name would come up. Whenever people asked what happened and who it was, I would choose not to say the same, because it sounded like a bad word to me. That’s how terrible experience this person left with me. I didn’t like this person and there was no way I was going to be friends or even be kind to this person. I vowed to stay away from this person and keep my interactions as minimal as possible.

But today, as I was listening to praise and worship, I was taken by surprise. A doctor came and introduced themselves. The doctor was so kind and even asked for my name. The doctor shared their thoughts regarding a new order and appreciated my feedback. We were both on the same page. After the doctor had walked away, the name took me by surprise and my heart melted. The walls came crumbling down and… I cried.

I realized that the Lord brought someone else in my life to show me that not all person’s with the name I vowed to hate so much and not say. He showed me that a name is not what identifies a person – it is the heart. I cried and cried. I’m sorry, Lord. I will not speak your name in vain, but all is forgiven. Thank you for the love and the reminder.

It was nice to meet you “Maya.”

PFIZER

After a long thought process of whether to take the shot or not, I signed the consent and went for it.

I figured my fellow frontliners are taking the steps to protect the community so that we can continue serving them and helping the families get through this pandemic whether it Is because of COVID 19 or some other health issues. If along the way, I become a statistic, I fairly say I did my part for the sake of humanity and for the people I love. This is for my mom and dad, and the future of my children and for my love.

Time

Sometimes time moves so slow and I can see everything in front of me. Sometimes it moves so fast that I can only remember the past with the hope the future doesn’t come too soon. Then the presence is here and I just watch like it’s a show unfolding predicting of what’s going to happen – appear knowing what the end is going to be.

This morning I told my daughter to spite down growing up – so young, so beautiful, so smart and with lots of love and kindness.

Tomorrow is my son’s 20th birthday. Hard to believe he is twenty. Tomorrow he will spend his morning with Tori. He will come home by 5 to spend time with the family. Such a simple, yet, complicated year. I find it easier to throw a party with lots of guests, than ac small a group. But there’s memories to be made and I hope these small moments are the most memorable.

Last night, I was so tired that I couldn’t find myself to go downstairs and get all the kids with a kiss and a hug. Instead, Hubby got all of them together and all six of us were in our room and I got a hug and kiss from all of them.

I love hugs and kisses. Can’t go a day without one. Don’t have to say anything, a hug and a kiss will do… sometimes another is even better.

Especially when I get to hug and kiss my mom. I know it matures get feel good too. I wish I gave her more when I was growing up. I hope I can give her more now.

I live you all.

RT

Sometimes it’s nice to be included.

A patient died today. Young at 16, but looks 8. Everyone cried. I did nothing closed curtains. The unit was a bit gloomy. Kind of hard to smile, but we got to get through it.

One nurse brought donuts. They stuffed their faces with donuts while they cried.

One nurse asked everyone if they wanted Starbucks.

Except me. Boo!

You know, not everyone is a nurse that’s affected by the loss of this patient. We’re sad too.

Managing the entire unit on my own… I sometimes feel alone so feeling like a part of the unit would nice.

I’m not just an RT – I have feelings too. Offer me donuts, ask if I want Starbucks. 😦 Ask if I’m okay. I was there when the code happened the few times before and it was a miracle. His smile, his music, and laughter. He will be missed – no donuts or Starbucks could replace a life, but it would help me get through the day too (just saying).