Stuck in the Middle

They say that the second born is the black sheep of the family. This means that the child is typically disobedient, indecisive, and has a type b personality. What does that all mean?

Among my siblings, I’m branded as the black sheep. I never saw it that way. Actually, I was the complete opposite of what they describe as a black sheep. I’m very obedient. I was in NJROTC in high school and listened to my teachers well. However, if there was something that I disagreed on – I mean strongly disagree on, I will speak out. Being a filipino, I can see where that can lead to my family saying that I’m disobedient, because often times, I either say something “smart,” which is probably not smart, because I get myself in trouble.

Then comes the road to decisiveness. I always KNOW what I want. I just don’t get what I want, because the situation doesn’t allow me to. For example, in high school, I wanted a red beetle with a sun roof, but the fact that I didn’t have money for it, I settled for a Mitsubishi S Coupe, which was silver, but it did have a sun roof… yippee! School was another thing. I probably switched majors several times, but that was because the economy at the time didn’t prove to me that the field I was going into was a good idea. I work in the hospital now and I’m happy and very blessed with my career.

Type B personality… hmm? I think this means I’m not very social. I can see that. As a matter of fact, I can be shy – very shy. Yet, others who don’t know me think that I’m a snob or something. Why? Is it because I don’t say ‘hi’ or laugh at a joke? Well, first of all, I was raised to not say ‘hi’ to strangers, but if I do want to get to know you, then I will let you know. Otherwise, I would expect the same thing around. Which means, if you want to know me, then say ‘hi’ first – don’t wait for me to approach you – as if you’re better to be approached first then vice versa? I treat everyone the same. I feel that if you are disrespectful in some way, I will give the opportunity for you to not treat me that way, otherwise, as soon as I sense an attitude, I will try to see how I can communicate better, and get to know you better. If my efforts fail me, then I will try and try. I’m not one who will just push away someone without really understanding where they’re coming from. Actually, it’s a target of interest for me – a challenge. I won’t show you, but you’re a target for a way for me to improve my social, communication, and problem solving skills.

Yet, as challenging as it may seem to overcome the label as a black sheep of the family, I’m stuck in the middle regardless. My siblings are having a hard time communicating with our mom. My mom lives with me and the other two have their own places. The eldest lives in Texas with his wife and two kids and the other is going to get married soon to her sweet fiancé. What surprises me is that we all have characteristics of our parents that either weakens or strengthens our relationship with each other. I don’t know… I just feel a little overwhelmed right now. It’s hard resolving conflicts over the phone. I wish I could say that we could see each other more, but sometimes I feel like we’re forgetting the filipino way of life when it comes to family. I believe that the reason why many other families lose their close ties and bonds is because of the lack of respect, communication, and trust. With the filipino culture, we remind ourselves to respect our elders, regardless of the silly things they believe or do to wonder how we survived. I’ve read articles after articles on how to communicate and with filipinos mixed with american culture, it’s not a language barrier, it’s a communication barrier. If we’re mad, both cultures have pride to hide behind it, and then with all that hiding, both sides hold grudges and fail to apologize. Which leads to lack of trust, because both are afraid that they will be disappointed again.

Life is about disappointments. We can try as hard as we can, but don’t think that disappointment won’t happen again after one has occurred.

Okay, enough of my babbling… I feel a little bit better now that I can just babble… gotta get back to studying…

Any inputs on my babbling?



I don’t know what to say.

I’m at a restaurant called Onami but instead of enjoying a seafood oriental buffet and celebrating my parent’s wedding anniversary, I’m in the bathroom crying.

I had just gotten home from dropping off Joy (she’s like a daughter to me) and it turned out my Aunt wasn’t home, which means I left her there all by herself.

She found a way to call her Kuya Arthur and he was able to pick her up.

I waited until we were all out the car to tell my husband that I felt bad for leaving her. I said this in front of my son to him and the response my husband gave me wasn’t what I expected.

He said, ” Good! You should feel bad.”

My son goes, “wow, dad!?”

I just looked at him and walked away.

Too choked up to say anything else, I just kept to myself.

This is the second time treating me like I’m inferior to him in front of my son. I don’t think he realizes that our son sees how he’s treating me and it’s just sad. It makes me sad and right now, I just don’t feel like giving him the respect he worked so hard to earn from me. He worked hard for me to be able to open up to him and instead his pride builds up when he’s in front of other people, including his own son.

I felt bad for leaving my “daughter” already, and I know I made a mistake and I claimed that fault. So instead of at least saying, “It was a mistake, and people make mistakes.” He practically made a fool of me in front of my son.

My tears are building up again and I’m holding it all in.

He tried to make conversations with me while at the restaurant and instead I would just give him a look or just walk away as if I didn’t hear him. I couldn’t smile and I really was not interested in anything he had to say.

Perhaps I should tell him again how I’m feeling, but I now he’s subscribed to this blog and I know he will read this.

Saying “sorry” won’t fix this. He needs to talk to his son about how to treat a girl, a woman, or even his future wife and that the way he talked to me was disrespectful.

Now if he doesn’t do that, then truly I would rather just cry alone rather than run into his arms for comfort, because the pride of a man is not worth him wiping my tears away.

Hebrews 13:7

Remember those who led you, who spoke the word of God to you; and considering the result of their conduct, imitate their faith.

Close enough…

Uncle Sesing passed away last week. Hubby went to Milpitas, Ca with mom (Lola) to attend the funeral. He left by car on Thursday and drive about 10-12 hours to get there. When he got there, he called me the same evening and both he and my mom wanted to buy a ticket for me to attend the funeral today. I thought they were kidding, but they weren’t. I got an email with my itinerary for Southwest airlines for a flight at 7:30am in the morning. It was going to be a 2 hour flight, which would arrive in time for the 9:30am funeral service. Wow right?

I had to wake up 4:30 am in the morning to get ready and then my brother in law drove me to the airport.

When I got there, I had a flashback and I nearly cried. I felt like I was in the moment for some reason. There was a rush of excitement and I really enjoyed watching people just do their thing as they prepared their bags and luggage for flight to wherever they were going. The last time I rode a flight close to Thanksgiving time was when I left for Maryland to spend the holidays in the east coast. It was the first Thanksgiving I had ever spent with him. We cooked dinner and had a meal with just the two of us. I remember thinking, “Life is going to be perfect.”

Then I was brought back to reality. I called my hubby to see his smiling face and I wanted to cry even more. I missed my hubby. I wished that I wasn’t flying the plane alone. But what made me smile is the fact that he wanted me to be there with him. He asked my mom for permission if I could go and got me the perfect itinerary (plus business class!) I felt special.

We face timed for awhile and even had breakfast with him live. He was so tired! But he still tried to stay up for me.

As I stared at his tired eyes, I could see the fine wrinkles that peaked around his eyes. I long to see more of those wrinkles.

As my flight went above the clouds, I was able to capture this beautiful view of the sunrise.


This image captures my vision as to being as close to heaven.

Everything was so beautiful, so free, so peaceful. I think I could fly endlessly without a doubt.

Thank you Lord for my blessings. Thank you for this perfect life. It isn’t where and WHO I thought I would be with, but I know that you’re always watching out for me… Please do the same for my Luv, for my kids, and my family.

I Love You Babes!

Long Day

Hmm… Had a long day today.

Woke up and the first I did was say thank you to God for another day.

I came down the stairs and saw hubby resting on the recliner. The kids gave me a big hug. Then I went to go kiss my Luv and he felt warm. He had a temperature.

He didn’t feel well all day. No worries I said. So as he rested, I took the opportunity to clean and sort our shed. Then I attacked the laundry and the garage. I vacuumed and played with the kids. My eldest son helped me with laundry. He was my super helper today. I even had tea with my Big Girl, Mei.


And watched Myella eat a toast on the stairs with joy and content as she listened to the baby birds make noises from their nest on our porch.


By night fall, I was ready to go to bed, but as you can see, I’m typing away. At the same time, I’m listening to Klove.

The first song they played was Pray by Sanctus Real… “Perfect!” I thought! “The perfect way to end the night.”

Don’t forget to pray! Gnite and I love you!