Closed doors

I know why I don’t always like to be around people. I realize that it’s safer for me to not get too close and to hide my feelings when I’m angry or especially when I’m sad. Hide in my room, because I feel like it’s the safest place in the world. I have an entire house filled with love, laughter, and joy. Yes, my comfort is in my room. This is where I lay my head, this is where I make love, this is where my memories I feel that with my children from the time they were born and perhaps til the day I die.

I feel safe in my room. And I always wonder why. I think it’s because when I’m angry, I can simply just close and lock the door and everyone knows not to come inside. Even when I’m sad, I close and lock the door and people know not to come inside. But sometimes, do you want people to unlock the door and find me crying. Sometimes I hope they can hear me cry. To feel the pain, the shame, the fear, and the worry I have what are the things that life brings.

Even so, I know not most of them are my problems. But I empathize to the what if’s and I always think about that question, “What if it was me?“

I can say the most meanest things, and I know that what I say hurts. I’ve done so well to not yell at my children in a manner that I know it would hurt them, would discourage them, will make them fear me, I would even hate me. But I quietly cry the anger I feel inside, the disappointment I have, and just all these emotions makes me so tired. I get so tired. And it scares me.


Ahhhh!!! So crying so hard and dying inside!!!!

A friend of ours had posted something on Facebook a few months back and I had responded on behalf of hubby.

She was very much against COVID that she wanted us to read more about the illumanati and the government’s conspiracy over the shots and the amount of people dying.

OMG! I still can’t… I happened to see her current post about her husband being in the hospital and asking for prayer. I was just about to tell my husband (which he apparently already knew), but FB refreshed and there it was… a GOFUNDME for his funeral.

TEARS!!! 😢😭 I told hubby that I don’t know if I’m mad or sad and whether I’m sorry or if I’m not. I’m a believer and I had shared with her that we must also be obedient and disciplined to man’s law as we are to God’s law… she chose to differ.

Forgive me, Lord. Please help me understand… and to keep holding on, you stay strong and help others. Please keep all my family and friends safe!

Please listen and hear our prayers. Please be present for their family and bless them with your grace, mercy, strength, and love. They’re going to need it – I know I would. they need YOU.

We love you!

Shang Chi

Hubby took us out to the theater for the first time since COVID. I was excited but so nervous at the same time. I brought rubbing alcohol, Lysol, and hand wipes to disinfect the chair hubby reserved for us.

We sat at the very top left of the theater. I walked in and said sorry to the the two people nearby and told them I B was going to spray the chairs real quick. The kids made a comment that the Lysol smelled so strong.

I felt a little embarrassed. I get so nervous. I felt anxious. Hubby got me mozzarella sticks with ranch and jalapeño’s. I ate it so quietly and at some point, I had to look towards the wall and I silently started to cry. I was so nervous! So embarrassed, I wanted to get out of there. But I dare and took off the mask and kept stuffing my face with cheese sticks. I knew it was anxiety, but gosh, it hurt. As the people walked by, I watched and hoped that no other persons were sitting too close to us.

I kept looking over to the kids to make sure they were okay. I didn’t want them to see that I Wasn’t.

I practically ripped my skin off during the commercials cause I was so nervous. But when the movie started, I heard them laughing and I felt a little better. I even started laughing.

The movie was really good! I enjoyed the part of it and the story line was very entertaining from beginning to the end. The end had Easter eggs and u B thought that was cool.

Afterwards, the kids and I walked out Cate the hubby said it was done. While we were outside, he actually started a little longer and saw an extra clip.

We took a picture while we waited for him.

There are so silly and I love them so much!

*Big not went out with his girlfriend, so they didn’t get to join us for the show. That’s okay, next time! 😉