Me

Wake up, go to work, come home, shower, greet kiddos.

Other than the in between moments with my husband, I always try to give the kids a kiss before I go to bed and even try to spend some time with them. Sometimes I have energy to do so me today I thought I did.

After showering, o was actually out of the bathroom by 845, so I had enough tome to maybe spend an hour. They were watching something, so I tried to quietly just kiss them and then maybe prepare an orange and sit down to eat with them. That changed when I tried losing the first child. He dodged my kisses and I know he was probably just playing but I all of suddenly felt hurt. Why does h keep doing that when I try to kiss him? So I just patted his head and then loses the two other girls on their heads. Neither of them gave me a hug.

I held back the tears a bit and grabbed some water. I drank the water and sat down near the kitchen in the dark. I watched a little bit of what they were watching and thought, “They don’t even miss me. Why am I trying extra hard?”

I moped a little bit to myself. I listened to them laugh and they made me smile. Then hubby got up and found me in the ground sitting. Then the kids got up for some reason and also saw me sitting on the ground.

They laughed at me and my heart just got stabbed again. Still no hug or kiss from them.

But wait, there was more kiddo… the big one. So I hugged him too – started a small conversation but he seemed to busy, so I have him my kiss and said goodnight.

I started to walk upstairs – quietly so no one would notice… and no one did. I sat on the top of the stairs for a bit. I could see hubby refilling his bottle of water. Then he started to head up and he saw me on the stairs too.

I felt so tired and drained already. Like all the energy came out of me. He tried to joke around, even flirt, but I told him I was too tired.

He went into the shower… I went to the bed… and cried. Tears fell from my eyes as if someone did something wrong. No one did anything wrong. I figured may be Im just being emotional right now, so I took some estrogen pills. Maybe it will balance out my emotions right now.

I also told myself that I’m probably sad because my kids are so grown. Yet my other side is saying that they should greet me when I come home and hug me as soon as I appear. My other side even thought of them as ungrateful children while the other adores and love them unconditionally.

Hubby says I have multiple personalities. Perhaps I do. And if I do, it sucks because my emotions are at play.

Right now, I want to be with my kids. Hold and love them – but my other side is telling me that they’re just going to call me weird and push me away. I just don’t feel like getting rejected right now. A simple hug and kiss – that’s all this mommy loves the most. *sniff sniff* I don’t need presents or food or even a compliment – just a hug and kiss everyday is fine. A real if and kiss, not just a quick hug with no meaning because I have germs or something – a hug that reminds me I’m their mom and will always be their mom. A hug that reminds me they need me – a hug that reminds me that my life has meaning – a hug that tells me that everything I do is all worth it no matter how tired I can be. I don’t want to do anything extra if they don’t want the extra effort. I always have a plan, a goal, for the people I love. Is it all worth it?