Gummy Yummy

Omigosh! We made our first gummy bears with Jello and it was amazing!!!! Myella and I had the finest time making these. Going to make more soon… so easy!

Drooling already!

First taste

Perfect mold…

Back from extinction 🙂

Super super yummy!

Next are Gummy booze… winks! With wine and vodka etc. hehehe!

#2

I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since the announcement came out about COVID19 and everyone was placed on quarantine. What a year! Here’s to humanity and our future. We are a part of history and look forward for many more years to come… happy birthday to me – the gift to myself for my new year!

Me

Wake up, go to work, come home, shower, greet kiddos.

Other than the in between moments with my husband, I always try to give the kids a kiss before I go to bed and even try to spend some time with them. Sometimes I have energy to do so me today I thought I did.

After showering, o was actually out of the bathroom by 845, so I had enough tome to maybe spend an hour. They were watching something, so I tried to quietly just kiss them and then maybe prepare an orange and sit down to eat with them. That changed when I tried losing the first child. He dodged my kisses and I know he was probably just playing but I all of suddenly felt hurt. Why does h keep doing that when I try to kiss him? So I just patted his head and then loses the two other girls on their heads. Neither of them gave me a hug.

I held back the tears a bit and grabbed some water. I drank the water and sat down near the kitchen in the dark. I watched a little bit of what they were watching and thought, “They don’t even miss me. Why am I trying extra hard?”

I moped a little bit to myself. I listened to them laugh and they made me smile. Then hubby got up and found me in the ground sitting. Then the kids got up for some reason and also saw me sitting on the ground.

They laughed at me and my heart just got stabbed again. Still no hug or kiss from them.

But wait, there was more kiddo… the big one. So I hugged him too – started a small conversation but he seemed to busy, so I have him my kiss and said goodnight.

I started to walk upstairs – quietly so no one would notice… and no one did. I sat on the top of the stairs for a bit. I could see hubby refilling his bottle of water. Then he started to head up and he saw me on the stairs too.

I felt so tired and drained already. Like all the energy came out of me. He tried to joke around, even flirt, but I told him I was too tired.

He went into the shower… I went to the bed… and cried. Tears fell from my eyes as if someone did something wrong. No one did anything wrong. I figured may be Im just being emotional right now, so I took some estrogen pills. Maybe it will balance out my emotions right now.

I also told myself that I’m probably sad because my kids are so grown. Yet my other side is saying that they should greet me when I come home and hug me as soon as I appear. My other side even thought of them as ungrateful children while the other adores and love them unconditionally.

Hubby says I have multiple personalities. Perhaps I do. And if I do, it sucks because my emotions are at play.

Right now, I want to be with my kids. Hold and love them – but my other side is telling me that they’re just going to call me weird and push me away. I just don’t feel like getting rejected right now. A simple hug and kiss – that’s all this mommy loves the most. *sniff sniff* I don’t need presents or food or even a compliment – just a hug and kiss everyday is fine. A real if and kiss, not just a quick hug with no meaning because I have germs or something – a hug that reminds me I’m their mom and will always be their mom. A hug that reminds me they need me – a hug that reminds me that my life has meaning – a hug that tells me that everything I do is all worth it no matter how tired I can be. I don’t want to do anything extra if they don’t want the extra effort. I always have a plan, a goal, for the people I love. Is it all worth it?

Try

“It’s better to try than not to try and see where it takes you.” -Em Tee

Forgiveness

God has a way of reminding us how to forgive.
A few months ago, I had an encounter with a doctor. The day started off with a medication shut off and changes were made on my ventilator. After 30minutes of no orders and a follow up call upon my text sent out, I had to complete an iReport on the team who had apparently made the changes. The nurse proofread my iReport and the report was submitted.

No one from the team had responded to my inquiry from the morning.
At the end of the shift, I was in the middle of an extubation when a doctor came in and started asking me questions about another a patient. It is a HIPAA violation to talk about another patient in a another patient’s room. The doctor was also rude and interrupting the extubation. I was stuck in an uncomfortable position.

To make a long story short, my day ended in tears and another iREPORT for misconduct and harassment on the doctor.

Since then I had a bad taste in my mouth when the doctor’s name would come up. Whenever people asked what happened and who it was, I would choose not to say the same, because it sounded like a bad word to me. That’s how terrible experience this person left with me. I didn’t like this person and there was no way I was going to be friends or even be kind to this person. I vowed to stay away from this person and keep my interactions as minimal as possible.

But today, as I was listening to praise and worship, I was taken by surprise. A doctor came and introduced themselves. The doctor was so kind and even asked for my name. The doctor shared their thoughts regarding a new order and appreciated my feedback. We were both on the same page. After the doctor had walked away, the name took me by surprise and my heart melted. The walls came crumbling down and… I cried.

I realized that the Lord brought someone else in my life to show me that not all person’s with the name I vowed to hate so much and not say. He showed me that a name is not what identifies a person – it is the heart. I cried and cried. I’m sorry, Lord. I will not speak your name in vain, but all is forgiven. Thank you for the love and the reminder.

It was nice to meet you “Maya.”