My mom was forty when I was pregnant with my first child, Ermel.

I would be four months at this time.

Right now, I’m wondering what my mom was thinking and feeling at the time.

Was she surprised? Was she happy? Was she worried?

I want to ask her, but I also don’t want to know.

My mom can be pretty mean and sometimes it’s better not to ask and get my feelings hurt.

A lot she says hurts me even though she says it’s a joke, I still take it personally, but laugh it off anyways… trying not to say anything mean back. And trust me, I have some pretty mean words to say. But even I don’t want to sink that low to hurt her.

I’m forty… my first kid passed the 19 year old milestone and didn’t get married. Let’s see if my other three will pass that milestone too.

Now, I pray that he passes the milestone of the 20 year old… to not get anyone pregnant.

What made me any different though? Well, for one, I was married and had the blessings of my mom. Even though the rest of the family thought I was crazy, I think I got some good support and thankfully Ermer’s side held on faith to believe that we could get through it. We had to prove a lot to those who bet against us. Glad my Father above watched over us and placed the other people.

I still wonder though, “How did you feel, mom?”

I think if I was in at my mom’s position, I would be worried. I would make sure my child, who’s also having a child, is eating well, is confident, understand the responsibility, the resource, the support, and the love she needs. I don’t think I paid enough attention to my mom to see if she provided those things. At some point, I felt that she wasn’t, so we moved out. We were asked to help pay for rent and unfortunately, we couldn’t afford rent. I don’t think she understood that part, so we moved out and lived with Ermer’s parents.

And now that I think of it, I didn’t realize how moving out had my mom thinking about getting a job to help pay for rent.

I don’t know if my brother was giving her money, but I know I wasn’t. I had no money to give. At least from my own efforts and I didn’t think it was right for me to give her money that hubby was working hard for our little family.

She must have been tapped and not asking for help. I wonder if she cried at night and was stressed about finances and about the kids. I wonder how my sister was doing. My brother and I left her behind in a house and didn’t really check up on her.

Now that I think of it, I was a bad sister – I was a bad daughter – I was pretending to be something that I wanted to be that I forgot the the things I should have held as value to me. Instead I was selfish to start my own life.

Why didn’t anyone tell me?

I feel like this would be the lecture I wold give the kids. I don’t know.

Was I ever on track? Am I on track?

Have I ever been doing the right thing? Or am I being selfish about my own needs and wants?

Why do I feel so bad? As if all the things I feel like I’ve accomplished are just lies? Why do I feel like my last is catching up to me?

I think I’m starting to feel emotional again.

So sorry… I think?

I don’t know.

I love my family. I love the life I have even having had to go through some tough ones.

Someone once told me that they admire me, that I am strong, that I can do anything, that I can be anything, that if I want something that I should reach for it. I have someone, perhaps many more, to say thank you to. Thank you to all for being my guide, supporting me even when I didn’t deserve it, thank you for listening and allowing me to vent when I needed to. You are all amazing! Especially you, mom!!