Moments…

Why do I always miss the most important and enjoyable moments in life?

Why am I even here?

My thoughts to keep me going, “Because they need me.”

My thoughts that makes me want to stop now, “… no they don’t… you’re just being used.”

What would I do if I didn’t have to do what I have to do?

Sit and read, draw, dance, listen to music, watch the sky, watch the stars, go for walks (not drives), explore canyons or hikes, watch a movie, cook, bake, take a bath with candles all around, watch a movie while eating ice cream and then fall asleep, do my nails, hmmm… pretty basic. Nothing too fancy.

Probably attend every invite to a birthday, a wedding, a performance, a graduation, a presentation, a show and if they all conflicted, I would find a way to still be there (a bit late, but I’ll still be there.) 

What would I do if I didn’t have to do what I needed to do? … I’d make time to be ME. 

Sometimes, I don’t feel like it’s fair. Sometimes I feel like no one really knows me at all. I feel like I walk with this fake smile on my face and see a beautiful person, but inside, there’s a hidden a button – just push it and my smile breaks and the ocean fills my eyes and floods my soul… I’ll drown.

But I stay afloat – because there’s a part of me that’s strong. I want to say that’s it’s because of God – but He knows the truth. Sometimes I’m mad at Him, because I want to go home. I want to go home to Him. But I can’t,  because He has a purpose for me – not for ME, because I kind of don’t exist it seems. I’m here for You. And so I surround myself in your presence, in your world, with all the beauty, and the hate, and the dirt, and for some reason, there’s this love. A kind of love that surpasses all understanding. A kind of love that takes our wants and needs and shows us the selflessness of what it means to NOT be ME. 

If I didn’t do what I have to do, it would mean not loving You… and that would not be ME. 

“…Faith without works is dead…”

?

Have you ever done something behind the scenes? Don’t put your name on it but do something kind without asking anything in return? And then someone else gets recognized for it and gets all the credit? Then that someone says “we” did it, but never told the other person really that you had any role in it? So really, the other person just knows it was that person all along but not you?

It happens a lot to me. I usually don’t say anything. I just say that’s awesome! And good job… then I just smile – but really? Deep down, I ask myself, “Why do I even try?” No appreciation, no smile or hug, no thank you… nada. 

If I don’t at anything at all or give a suggestion, will it change or make anything at all? Does it even matter that I say something?

Sometimes, it’s nice to hear from someone that they’re really thankful for me and know that I had something to do with it. 

Oh well, I guess if it was really meant for me to be appreciated or recognized for something I’ve done rather than someone else getting the credit, then it would’ve been so – perhaps, it was meant for someone else to who really needed to feel appreciated more than I do. 

If that’s the case, then okay.