Why?

It’s been a long day at work. I wake up 5-515am every morning. I remember when I had worked for sprint thatbinjonoinger wanted to do that and for a long time I had worked a night shift so that I could enjoy a morning rest until, well… 10am! 🙂 especially for a long day at work. I remember waking up early, driving to work, and then sleeping in the car during my breaks, especially when I was pregnant. I told myself I would never do that.

Yet, I’ve worked late nights and find myself leaving work early enough to beat traffic, but I still end up missing and seeing the kids before heading off to school and then Sleep all day while the sun is blazing with temps at 78-80 degrees… I’ve slept on the floor of the bathroom and I’ve often skipped breakfast and ate lunch and dinner at odd hours. 

Now I don’t work nights since my doctor ordered it. I instead work days and wake up early in the morning again and instead of 8 hours at work, I work 12 hours – with no naps in between. And if I do feel sleepy, I hide in the corner of the stairways where no one sees me or in a bathroom stall no one ever uses. It’s quiet, it’s warm, and no one can bother. 

I talk all day at work. Today I preceptor. I had to repeat myself like a tape rewinded over and over again. Does anyone even know what a tape is? No, not scotch tape. It’s like a voice machine on replay. So, at this point, I’m just tired from talking, I’m tired from laughing, and I’m tired from using any type of emotion that conceals how I’m really feeling – tired and annoyed. I just want to go home now and rest. I just want to take a shower and wash myself after wearing clothes all day and exposing myself to patients who have viral infections. 

But that doesn’t matter, does it? M husband is so sweet to pick me up and drop me off. He so sweet to bring me dinner and greet me with kisses. He’s just so sweet. But he doesn’t understand. I’ve sacrificed so much of my life and the things I like or want to do so that he can do what he likes and wants to do. But I don’t think sees that? I’m a very simple woman – I don’t want or need a lot of things, just basic needs – a home, a car for transport, food, shoes and well taken care of. Can’t ask and have things and not take of it. That would just be a waste, don’t you think?

So I come to the meeting after work. I agreed that I would go in and listen to training. The trainer is K.L. and she talks about achieving her dreams. I have dreams, I have goals and I know what I want and what needs to be done to achieve it. I worked hard for the business at one point, I even asked for help and he helped. Then he wanted me to do more with more effort. I worked a full time job, AND help run a business with more if my time? Is that fair? He ‘retired’ from his job. He said that he was done and was ready to start running the business so I said Okay. I gave him an ultimatum, if he doesn’t make equal or more than what his job has provided him to help pay off bills and maintain a business then I got to do what I got to do. 

I was focused with the business, I was determined, but I was only able to do much to the limit that I had. I had structure, I had goal. When that goals was met, someone else had to take the baton and keep moving forward. Then, when it was time, I would take the baton back. The baton is still out there. 

The time, the money, the discipline and consistency are things in need to succeed.  No time means no money, therefore no discipline and consistency for the expectation to succeed. If one door opens, another will open, and we must go through that door in order to see another opportunity before us.

The point is, I’m tired. I will only offer what I can offer, and I don’t expect anything more, so don’t try so hard because of me, do it because you want to. I can push, I can help, but I can’t go all the way by myself. So if I’m asked to do one thing, and I give it, don’t ask for more and expect something in return. Because I gave it and I don’t want anything in return. Respect is earned, it is not given. Love is unconditional, it’s not something to be expected. 
I love you!

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