Time

Dear Kuya,

I don’t know is something you often say… and no matter how much I don’t want to hear you say it, I myself do understand what you mean when I hear you say, “I don’t know.”

Because I don’t know who you want to be or what you want to be, but I do know who I hope you can be.

I hope you become the kind of man that shows respect, that shows love, that shows kindness, and shows a compassionate heart for others. I hope for a man who knows how to care For themselves without the dependence of others. I hope you can be the person who people can trust and share their innermost feelings without wasting your time.

I hope you will be better than your dad and I.

This is what I hope for. My hope that you would become all these things is just a hope, but you always have a choice. 

So when you say I don’t know, my solution is to tell you what to do. Is that fair? 

I don’t know.

So my son, I love you. I love you unconditionally. Whether you make the right choice or not for your future, I will be there. I will make my own sacrifices, and one day, you will make your own. Whether it is what we want or not, it is what’s best. 

My son, I will always be proud of you.

Mwa! 

Moments…

Why do I always miss the most important and enjoyable moments in life?

Why am I even here?

My thoughts to keep me going, “Because they need me.”

My thoughts that makes me want to stop now, “… no they don’t… you’re just being used.”

What would I do if I didn’t have to do what I have to do?

Sit and read, draw, dance, listen to music, watch the sky, watch the stars, go for walks (not drives), explore canyons or hikes, watch a movie, cook, bake, take a bath with candles all around, watch a movie while eating ice cream and then fall asleep, do my nails, hmmm… pretty basic. Nothing too fancy.

Probably attend every invite to a birthday, a wedding, a performance, a graduation, a presentation, a show and if they all conflicted, I would find a way to still be there (a bit late, but I’ll still be there.) 

What would I do if I didn’t have to do what I needed to do? … I’d make time to be ME. 

Sometimes, I don’t feel like it’s fair. Sometimes I feel like no one really knows me at all. I feel like I walk with this fake smile on my face and see a beautiful person, but inside, there’s a hidden a button – just push it and my smile breaks and the ocean fills my eyes and floods my soul… I’ll drown.

But I stay afloat – because there’s a part of me that’s strong. I want to say that’s it’s because of God – but He knows the truth. Sometimes I’m mad at Him, because I want to go home. I want to go home to Him. But I can’t,  because He has a purpose for me – not for ME, because I kind of don’t exist it seems. I’m here for You. And so I surround myself in your presence, in your world, with all the beauty, and the hate, and the dirt, and for some reason, there’s this love. A kind of love that surpasses all understanding. A kind of love that takes our wants and needs and shows us the selflessness of what it means to NOT be ME. 

If I didn’t do what I have to do, it would mean not loving You… and that would not be ME. 

“…Faith without works is dead…”

?

Have you ever done something behind the scenes? Don’t put your name on it but do something kind without asking anything in return? And then someone else gets recognized for it and gets all the credit? Then that someone says “we” did it, but never told the other person really that you had any role in it? So really, the other person just knows it was that person all along but not you?

It happens a lot to me. I usually don’t say anything. I just say that’s awesome! And good job… then I just smile – but really? Deep down, I ask myself, “Why do I even try?” No appreciation, no smile or hug, no thank you… nada. 

If I don’t at anything at all or give a suggestion, will it change or make anything at all? Does it even matter that I say something?

Sometimes, it’s nice to hear from someone that they’re really thankful for me and know that I had something to do with it. 

Oh well, I guess if it was really meant for me to be appreciated or recognized for something I’ve done rather than someone else getting the credit, then it would’ve been so – perhaps, it was meant for someone else to who really needed to feel appreciated more than I do. 

If that’s the case, then okay. 

It’s off!

Finally got my braces off!!! Woohoo! 🙂 feels good… but kind of weird too… gotta wear retainers forever though. But hey! My tooth are straight again and I can smile confidently. 

The lighting makes it looks like I have no eyebrows. Oh, it’s my teeth I want to smile about right now. 😊

Calmate

Music calms me… 

Good good father by Chris Tomlin 

Why?

It’s been a long day at work. I wake up 5-515am every morning. I remember when I had worked for sprint thatbinjonoinger wanted to do that and for a long time I had worked a night shift so that I could enjoy a morning rest until, well… 10am! 🙂 especially for a long day at work. I remember waking up early, driving to work, and then sleeping in the car during my breaks, especially when I was pregnant. I told myself I would never do that.

Yet, I’ve worked late nights and find myself leaving work early enough to beat traffic, but I still end up missing and seeing the kids before heading off to school and then Sleep all day while the sun is blazing with temps at 78-80 degrees… I’ve slept on the floor of the bathroom and I’ve often skipped breakfast and ate lunch and dinner at odd hours. 

Now I don’t work nights since my doctor ordered it. I instead work days and wake up early in the morning again and instead of 8 hours at work, I work 12 hours – with no naps in between. And if I do feel sleepy, I hide in the corner of the stairways where no one sees me or in a bathroom stall no one ever uses. It’s quiet, it’s warm, and no one can bother. 

I talk all day at work. Today I preceptor. I had to repeat myself like a tape rewinded over and over again. Does anyone even know what a tape is? No, not scotch tape. It’s like a voice machine on replay. So, at this point, I’m just tired from talking, I’m tired from laughing, and I’m tired from using any type of emotion that conceals how I’m really feeling – tired and annoyed. I just want to go home now and rest. I just want to take a shower and wash myself after wearing clothes all day and exposing myself to patients who have viral infections. 

But that doesn’t matter, does it? M husband is so sweet to pick me up and drop me off. He so sweet to bring me dinner and greet me with kisses. He’s just so sweet. But he doesn’t understand. I’ve sacrificed so much of my life and the things I like or want to do so that he can do what he likes and wants to do. But I don’t think sees that? I’m a very simple woman – I don’t want or need a lot of things, just basic needs – a home, a car for transport, food, shoes and well taken care of. Can’t ask and have things and not take of it. That would just be a waste, don’t you think?

So I come to the meeting after work. I agreed that I would go in and listen to training. The trainer is K.L. and she talks about achieving her dreams. I have dreams, I have goals and I know what I want and what needs to be done to achieve it. I worked hard for the business at one point, I even asked for help and he helped. Then he wanted me to do more with more effort. I worked a full time job, AND help run a business with more if my time? Is that fair? He ‘retired’ from his job. He said that he was done and was ready to start running the business so I said Okay. I gave him an ultimatum, if he doesn’t make equal or more than what his job has provided him to help pay off bills and maintain a business then I got to do what I got to do. 

I was focused with the business, I was determined, but I was only able to do much to the limit that I had. I had structure, I had goal. When that goals was met, someone else had to take the baton and keep moving forward. Then, when it was time, I would take the baton back. The baton is still out there. 

The time, the money, the discipline and consistency are things in need to succeed.  No time means no money, therefore no discipline and consistency for the expectation to succeed. If one door opens, another will open, and we must go through that door in order to see another opportunity before us.

The point is, I’m tired. I will only offer what I can offer, and I don’t expect anything more, so don’t try so hard because of me, do it because you want to. I can push, I can help, but I can’t go all the way by myself. So if I’m asked to do one thing, and I give it, don’t ask for more and expect something in return. Because I gave it and I don’t want anything in return. Respect is earned, it is not given. Love is unconditional, it’s not something to be expected. 
I love you!