I love him… and her…

I love my family and everything I do is for them. I work hard at everything – a Mom, a daughter, a wife, a sister, cousin, aunt, and an employee. 

These past months, I’ve sacrificed my time away from family, friends, church, and other things to pay off debt that we’ve accumulated since our vacation trip to Hawaii which nearly broke the bank. I had to hold back tears and was hoping things would be paid off sooner than today… it did not.

“Everything I do is for my family,” I keep telling myself. I only get what I need and should only buy what we need. I barely already buy gifts for anyone because I really don’t see the funds for it. With all the time I’ve sacrificed, I’m finally seeing  positive in the accounts. 

But I’m getting tired… 😔 sometimes, I want things – for myself too. I want TIME… I don’t do scrap booking anymore, I don’t draw, I can’t even make enough time for exercise. I’m mostly tired, but will get up to get things done. I’m told I’m beautiful, but I feel fat. My body isn’t how I would like it to be – the fact that I’ve had four children has changed my figure and I don’t feel hopeful of getting it to where I want it to be unless I do surgery. 

I want to have a tummy tuck, laser eye surgery, lipo… ugh! You name it, but it all costs money and it’s money I don’t have. After all, I don’t need it right, so for now, all I can do is talk about it. 

I’m not half way to my goal yet. I’m hoping by June. I still feel like I’m doing all this Financial run by myself though. Hubby is working now, but all that goes back to what he needs to pay off. I had told him early on that I can’t pay for his bills, especially school. I’ve asked him to be responsible – to spend wisely, but then I find out he’s buying things he doesn’t need. I can’t tell him what to spend his money on – I’m tired of trying to hint to him what we do need to do and what we can do with the money. He’s going to be turning 40 soon and he’s accomplished so much, but honestly, he’s not in a position financially to care for the family if I can’t work anymore. 

I’m scared and yes I’m worried for him. I’m worried for my family. I don’t want to end up like his parents or mine. I want my family to be strong financially and if I have to achieve it alone, I will. 

I love him and I also love my family, especially my mom. She means the world to me. She’s done more than I could ever ask for, but I know she knows why I work hard. I don’t have to tell her. She already knows. 

I want to build or buy an extra room for her in the backyard. For years, my husband said he’ll get it started, but so far, not a hint of rock has moved to make room. Instead everything I’ve been trying to sell to make room comes back as something else that we don’t need. So, I need to come up with $70-100k. Do you have that kind of money? If I do this right, it’s possible to attain by the end of this year. Hmmm… lots of over time.

Until then, the Louis Vuitton purse we just picked up today at Paris for Nanay is something special for her. It’s hard to swallow the cost of it but I hope my husband realized that he shouldn’t make promises he can’t keep or offer to do something that he can’t afford. Harsh, but true. I can’t talk now – that’s why I’m writing. When I don’t want to say anything mean, I’d rather just write my thoughts out. It’s safer that way. I am a bit upset, a bit disappointed, because he makes a promise, he made a goal to buy my mom a purse. The purse was never on my agenda. And then I’m put on the spot to help choose a purse, then to find out that the one he likes for her – the purse that truly fits my mom is just way over his budget. Did he not do the research of how much an LV bag cost? I didn’t even know what an LV was until he told me about it, until his family talked about it. It’s all material things. Why do people like material things? I want time. I worked hard so that I can freely have this time and not worry about money, but guess who had to come up with the difference? If not me, guess who would have to spend any hard earned savings they put in to sacrifice for this purse? He does. And even that, with everything I’ve ever suggested to him, everything I thought would help him, I just realized he would throw out the window. His RT career, the business, ministry, media – these were all seeds planted… but right now, they’re still growing. They haven’t blossomed, they haven’t produced fruits. He doesn’t listen to me – At least I don’t think he does. He only wants to listen what he wants to listen. I expect a lot from him, and it seems like unless I Nag him about it, he either will OR WON’T do anything about it. Okay, enough, I’ll just go cry it out. He won’t know – nor will he care. His actions tells me he cares. He’s studied 3x for his RRT, but scores are less and less each time. Do you know what that tells me? He says he’s studying but I know he really is not. He says he puts time, but really he’s not. He only puts it in when it’s convenient for him – he has other priorities and although he says I’m his priority, I’m really not. Although he says he puts me in top of the pedestal and although he does a lot of sweet things for me, when it comes down to the more serious things, like a bigger home, fixing the car, or paying bills, and maintains the mortgage, he needs to make me happy so that I can be reminded of what we have for each other and that alone is what keeps US going. Anyhow…

So now I have to uncheck something off my financial list… Elijah’s birthday. Am I going to throw one or not? Right now, my option is leaning to NOT. It’s $500-600… I’ll leave it up to the family to choose whether they want to do his birthday or not. If anything, we’re going to the beach, invite everyone, I’ll spend $100 on pizza and $50 in just prizes. Yeps! That’s it. That will probably be my budget. I love you Jing… will talk about the plans for your birthday later, sweetie. And the whole Hawaii thing – no budget for that – don’t got the funds, not looking for any, so I don’t have any to offer… that’s straight from this woman. Not on my agenda or goals for this year, son of planning on saving or spending anything or expecting to Hawaii. If he really wants to go and make it happen, then go for it. I know what I can or need to do to qualify or bring in the money…. does he? I don’t know. He’s got a lot on his plate. Let’s see what his priority – Hawaii or passing his RRT? Work everyday for the rest of his life or do 2-3 shifts at the hospital… or put in some really time to run the business and make it happen. Those second ones were two options for me, but he’s got to do something if he wants me to help with the business. I can’t do both – work FULL time and do a business? Are u f’ing kidding me? I tried it for one year and I was worn out. I still felt like I was on my own… did I quit? Eh, no… just on a break. Working on it… let me just get my priorities straight first. Gotta get Back on the band wagon before letting anyone else influence me to do something else. 

As soon as I get back home, I’m selling things, clearing it out and working extra extra double time. Maybe look for a second job. Hmm?
My love, if you read this – these are my thoughts. I love you always and I don’t want to say something to you that will hurt you. But this is how I feel, and I needed to write it out so that I don’t say the wrong things more than what I already have written.