Stuck in the Middle

They say that the second born is the black sheep of the family. This means that the child is typically disobedient, indecisive, and has a type b personality. What does that all mean?

Among my siblings, I’m branded as the black sheep. I never saw it that way. Actually, I was the complete opposite of what they describe as a black sheep. I’m very obedient. I was in NJROTC in high school and listened to my teachers well. However, if there was something that I disagreed on – I mean strongly disagree on, I will speak out. Being a filipino, I can see where that can lead to my family saying that I’m disobedient, because often times, I either say something “smart,” which is probably not smart, because I get myself in trouble.

Then comes the road to decisiveness. I always KNOW what I want. I just don’t get what I want, because the situation doesn’t allow me to. For example, in high school, I wanted a red beetle with a sun roof, but the fact that I didn’t have money for it, I settled for a Mitsubishi S Coupe, which was silver, but it did have a sun roof… yippee! School was another thing. I probably switched majors several times, but that was because the economy at the time didn’t prove to me that the field I was going into was a good idea. I work in the hospital now and I’m happy and very blessed with my career.

Type B personality… hmm? I think this means I’m not very social. I can see that. As a matter of fact, I can be shy – very shy. Yet, others who don’t know me think that I’m a snob or something. Why? Is it because I don’t say ‘hi’ or laugh at a joke? Well, first of all, I was raised to not say ‘hi’ to strangers, but if I do want to get to know you, then I will let you know. Otherwise, I would expect the same thing around. Which means, if you want to know me, then say ‘hi’ first – don’t wait for me to approach you – as if you’re better to be approached first then vice versa? I treat everyone the same. I feel that if you are disrespectful in some way, I will give the opportunity for you to not treat me that way, otherwise, as soon as I sense an attitude, I will try to see how I can communicate better, and get to know you better. If my efforts fail me, then I will try and try. I’m not one who will just push away someone without really understanding where they’re coming from. Actually, it’s a target of interest for me – a challenge. I won’t show you, but you’re a target for a way for me to improve my social, communication, and problem solving skills.

Yet, as challenging as it may seem to overcome the label as a black sheep of the family, I’m stuck in the middle regardless. My siblings are having a hard time communicating with our mom. My mom lives with me and the other two have their own places. The eldest lives in Texas with his wife and two kids and the other is going to get married soon to her sweet fiancĂ©. What surprises me is that we all have characteristics of our parents that either weakens or strengthens our relationship with each other. I don’t know… I just feel a little overwhelmed right now. It’s hard resolving conflicts over the phone. I wish I could say that we could see each other more, but sometimes I feel like we’re forgetting the filipino way of life when it comes to family. I believe that the reason why many other families lose their close ties and bonds is because of the lack of respect, communication, and trust. With the filipino culture, we remind ourselves to respect our elders, regardless of the silly things they believe or do to wonder how we survived. I’ve read articles after articles on how to communicate and with filipinos mixed with american culture, it’s not a language barrier, it’s a communication barrier. If we’re mad, both cultures have pride to hide behind it, and then with all that hiding, both sides hold grudges and fail to apologize. Which leads to lack of trust, because both are afraid that they will be disappointed again.

Life is about disappointments. We can try as hard as we can, but don’t think that disappointment won’t happen again after one has occurred.

Okay, enough of my babbling… I feel a little bit better now that I can just babble… gotta get back to studying…

Any inputs on my babbling?