Just one of them days…

Ok, I don’t know if it’s just cause of my period or what, but I’m just feeling a bit sensitive today…

Or perhaps I’m just overwhelm with trying to be a good mom.

All four kids got sick within the past two days. One by one, they each got a temperature one after the other of up to 102.1 degrees… Thankfully, I had a shelf full of medicine to help control their temps and I found the thermometer to monitor them. I called out the past two days to care for them and hubby went to work.

My mom was home, but I know it would be too much for me to ask her to watch the kids while their sick (ALL of them) and then leave on Monday for a conference at work. IT’s too much… I’m already feeling so tired and overwhelmed and on top of that, I’m on my monthly.

Anyhow… I’ve looked around the house and there were things that I wanted to do about it, but it felt like I’m always doing the same thing week after week… Clean the bathroom, wash the clothes, do the bed, feed the kids… ha, ha, ha.. of course, right? I’m a mom… I realized that it wouldn’t be sooo much if I was just a mom and didn’t have to worry about work.

But for now, that’s a no-no, because hubby doesn’t have a stable job to even pay a roof over heads… I mean, we haven’t paid for mortgage for over 3 years now and still even with that, we don’t have enough in savings for me not to work…

I look at my mom and she’s out shopping and enjoying buying Christmas decorations. I’m just thinking, “Where is she going to put all these things?” One day, she asked me, “When I’m gone, who’s going to decorate?” I teased her and said, “I have pictures of all your decorations. I’m just going to look at them and pick which one I want.” She laughed. It’s nice to see my mom laugh. It’s nice to see anyone in my family life.

Me, however, only such a few people can truly make me laugh and it brings joy to my heart that they know me so well to put a smile on my face. I guess it’s the same if it was anyone else… I don’t know how to make my mom laugh very much. It’s rare that I see her smile the way I’ve seen her smile. And there’s only a few people that CAN make her laugh. I don’t think I’m one of them. And it makes me sad. You know, I feel like sometimes I try to hard in some ways, but try so little in others. For sure, one of them is cooking. My hubby loves it when I can cook for him for dinner, but in all honestly, I don’t cook, because I have a person who judges so easily that’d I’d rather just not even try. And if I try, I cook the way I like it, now how he or she likes it… it’s how I like it.

I just want to cry. There’s so many things I CAN do, but I don’t. WHY? Because I don’t like to try so hard and give my effort when all I get in return is criticism. I used to take criticism well, but now I just choose not to, because I was want and hope for people to appreciate what they have or at least appreciate what’s been done for them.

For example, if I cook you something, please eat it and enjoy it. If you don’t like, the fact that you tried it is all that matters to me. I’ve cooked a few times before and sometimes the dish doesn’t even get touched or at least tried. It’s as if I poisoned it or something – always and excuse.

Or when I clean… I’m not a super house keeper that can get everything done in one day… I need to pace myself, otherwise stress gets the best of me and I get frustrated and eventually put it out on people.

I dunno… I guess I’m just ranting… today, I ate anything from cookies to rice, to veggies to drinking up to 4 cups of coffee… that’s not good… =( I’ve been exercising for the past month and I feel like I’ve only had little to no progress at all… First, it’s not easy exercising when you’ve got a flow and secondly, my diet is not the best when I’m always up and about and always feeling hungry and eating on the go.

Okay, well… I’ve already shed a tear…

Theres’s always tomorrow…

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